Recently, two of my Christian friends have had pregnancy “scaresâ€. Twinges of a disappointed “maybe I did want a baby after all†surfaced when the women found out they weren’t pregnant. Sometimes, things like this happen and cause us to realize that we aren’t sure what we really want or know what’s best for our lives.
There are many discussions amongst Christians regarding the topic of family planning. While I have convictions that I believe are godly and true for everyone – an actual Biblical answer, not just “what works for our family†– I’m not feeling led to get into the details of these points at this time.
(Hint: I do have a link to the Quiverfull page on my resource list. ;-) )
However, I did want to save some thoughts that I passed on in a note to a friend on this topic – which can be applied to other topics as well.
Finally, I would add that, when Christians get married, that they need to remember that their desires and decisions – including those regarding bearing children – should be come from the Bible and with much prayer. Perhaps these decisions are to try to avoid getting pregnant while a newborn baby is still relying on nursing as their primary food source or so that doctors can safely remove a growing tumor without putting an unborn baby in harms way – but these decisions should be made with consideration, not just on a whim.
I have noticed that it is very common for Christian couples to say (and this is exaggerated to accentuate my point), “Well, I don’t want children now, but if by miracle I beat the “99.9% effective†odds and get pregnant, then I’ll change my mind about kids”. Or, “I really want children NOW because we have a nice nest-egg in the bank and my friends are all having kids now. I can’t seem to get pregnant, so I’m going to do everything medically possible to get pregnant. If I still don’t get pregnant, then it must mean that God really doesn’t want me to have children.â€
Yet, making decisions in this way simply isn’t indicative of a heart that is submitting to God’s direction for one’s life. This is testing God to challenge YOUR will. Should we “be content in all things†or only when we are getting what we want?
Some questions to consider:
The Bible says that children are a blessing. Do I really believe it when God tells me this?
God says to be fruitful and multiply. Do I think mandate only applies to people who are “ready” for children?
God says He will not test you beyond what you can bear. Am I afraid God doesn’t know my limits?
God says that He will provide; that all the gold in the world belongs to Him. Am I concerned that God’s currency isn’t enough to afford being comfortable in today’s world?
We must examine our reasoning carefully and ask, “Are these legitimate reasons or do they really stem from lack of trust and faith in God?†If our reasons stem from them latter, they are heart issues that need to be addressed before moving on to logistics.
It is a lot easier, and requires less faith to come up with a plan and then try to project scripture/God’s favor upon it – and check off the “prayed about it†part by submitting it to the Wednesday night prayer list at church – than it is to start with a careful look at scripture and followed by intense time spent in prayer seeking wisdom, obedience as the Lord reveals areas we need to work on, and with patience when we wait on the Lord for direction.
First, pray that God will prepare your heart to be ready for what God wants for you. You don’t want YOUR plan for your life, you want GOD’s plan for your life. Then, respectfully make your requests known.
Trust in God that He loves you and is working in your life for His glory. Ask Him to help you when it gets tough to wait for His timing instead of trying to force your way to the answer – to be content when you find out you’re unexpectedly pregnant… or when you hoped to be but are not.
We say we are followers of Christ – What does Christ say?
“After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.†– Matthew 6:9-10
“He went away again the second time, and prayed, saying, O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done.†– Matthew 26:42
“I can of mine own self do nothing: as I hear, I judge: and my judgment is just; because I seek not mine own will, but the will of the Father which hath sent me.†– John 5:30
Not my will but Thine.
You got me talking on a topic close to my heart.
Hope all is well, and I will continue to pray for your marriage (as I pray for all of my married friends!) that the Lord will continue to strengthen you and draw you closer to each other and to Him. I will also pray that God will give you a clear answer and peace in your heart as you consider decisions for when to have children.
Rejoicing with you over your recent anniversary.
Love you lots,
Sarah Joy
On the other hand “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. (Col 3:18)” is a matter which is completely outside of the area of Christian Liberty, so if a husband feels a couple is not ready for children, it would be a foolish and rebellious wife who pushed otherwise.
Also, making decisions in ones life which are properly planned, cost counted, etc. are a mandate for God’s people:
“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him, saying, ‘This fellow began to build and was not able to finish.’ Luke 14:28-30
Purposefully having children (especially the first, which makes the biggest change in lifestyle) if one know one cannot support having a parent at home with them seems to me a lesser choice. Prayerfull excercising wisdom does not stop God from overriding ones decision – but the potential of an override doesn’t mean you shouldn’t make wise choices to start.
After all, it is wise to safe for the future. But God can provide a windfall – an inheritance, a bonus – but to count on God overriding the normal pattern and therefore neglect to set a little aside each week would be foolish.
I’ve always consider John 1 a pretty good proof that humans are allowed to make some choices in having kids:
“Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God.” John 1:12-13
Each Christian, and each couple, are given different tasks, different burdens, different challenges. Sometimes challenging a person who is trying to be faithful and content in what God has ordained for them NOW can cause much pain and grief. Often the best thing you can do for a friend is understand that what looks like an “easy” or “convenient” choice to you might be neither easy nor convenient.
Hey you! Thanks for posting! Hope all is well.
“On the other hand “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. (Col 3:18)†is a matter which is completely outside of the area of Christian Liberty, so if a husband feels a couple is not ready for children, it would be a foolish and rebellious wife who pushed otherwise.”
Heh…. ah yes, better a dinner of herbs or to live on the corner of the roof…
There are many women on the QF list who are in that boat – wanting more children, but husband have said “No” and they are honoring their husbands authority.
(As an aside, it is interesting read about children conceived because of women’s trickery in the Bible- Tamar as well as Lots daughters come to mind.)
Just curious, how do you think a wife should respond when husband ask her to use birth control when it violates the wife’s conscience (because she believes that it is sinful) to do so? or vice-versa
Well if she believes certain types of birth control are sinful (chemical, for instance), then maybe she can find another method (barrier, tubes tied, etc) which might not be her preference.
If, on the other hand, it is not what she would choose, but she does not consider it a sin of commission, then I think she should just submit, hard as that might be.