Dear Sarah,
I have a problem that could use guidance and counsel on. My mother-in-law likes to call on a frequent basis. Actually she calls me everyday and no fewer than 3 times a day. On Monday of this week, she called a total of 5 times (and those are just the times that I answered the phone). On a side note, I live on the east coast and my mom on the west coast and I don’t even talk to her everyday. We talk once every week to week and a half or longer if one of us has something going on. I am a stay at home mommy with a a 3,2 and 4 month old so you can imagine how hectic and busy my day is. I know that she’s not lonely because she is married and my husband’s 18 year old brother and 12 year old sister are still living at home. I’ve tried dropping hints about how busy my day is but still nothing; I’ve gotten to the point of screening my calls using my answering machine (she called a total of 15 times yesterday – No I didn’t pick up any of the calls) but I’m starting to feel like a prisoner in my own phone. My husband is no help, he thinks its funny and encourages me to just let the phone ring and not pick it up. I know that I have to say something because I just don’t have the strength or energy to maintain this type of relationship and she is also starting to make comments on the fact that she has been trying all day to get in contact with me. Sorry for being long winded but I wanted to give all of the facts. Any advice you all can give will be welcomed. Thanks
Big hugs to you! I’m a mommy of 5 little ones (close in age like yours!) and I know exactly what you’re talking about.
Conversations with children throughout the day need to be more than, “QUIET! I’m on the phone!”
This is a difficult situation because you love your MIL very much and don’t want to hurt her feelings!
You must talk to her about this lest it become a point of bitterness.
Here are some suggestions for talking points:
1. Assure her of your love. “Mom I love you so much! I appreciate that you talk to me. I know that there are many mothers and mothers in law who do not talk to their children. I am so thankful to have you in my life, and I am very thankful for our relationship.”
2. Address the problem with kindness and diplomacy. Recently, I have been convicted about trying to be more diligent about how I use my time during the day. I believe I have been spending too much time on the phone – and I’m not just talking about talking to you, but with others as well. I noticed that it’s taking a toll on my getting my housework done, and also with my parenting.
3. Ask for teamwork. “Mom, weaning myself from the phone is kinda like a diet or a lifestyle change for me – can you please be sensitive to this while I try to make the change to apply myself a little better to the tasks that God has given me throughout the day?”
4. Answer her when she needs you. “Please know that you still can call me any time! If I am available to talk, I will answer the phone! If I am in the middle of something, I am going to start letting my answering machine get it so I can get my work done . I will call you as soon as I am available to talk. If there is something that needs me immediate, please note that on the message or call my cell phone. ALSO, you are always welcome to send me as MANY emails you want!! That way, I can respond to them when I have some down time.”
5. Appreciate her understanding. “THANK YOU, mom, for being understanding and an ENCOURAGEMENT to me as I really do need to improve in this area!!!”
BTW, here is the message I have on my machine, which is a kind way to let people know that I’m screening my calls –
http://www.sarahjoyalbrecht.net/2007/08/24/a-ringing-phone-has-to-be-answered/
Much love,
Sarah Joy Albrecht
Wow. Good post. Thank you for that.
One suggestion: when I really need to get something done or if the baby is napping and I don’t want the phone to wake her up, I just turn off the sound on both my cordless phones and on my cell phone. Then I don’t even know when someone is trying to call. People who really need to get a hold of me will leave a message, and people who are calling to “chat” will just hang up. :)
For the times that you do speak with her, maybe you could get a speaker phone or a bluetooth earpiece so that you could continue to do your business around the house without having to hold the phone.