On the Tara Barthel’s discussion board, someone asked about the Young Peacemakers material. I have not used it yet with my children (my mother in law has the YP books – they’re so good that I am considering adding it to next school year’s curriculum). I did have some thoughts on teaching young children about peacemaking:
Foundation first
Make it a point to teach the gospel and peacemaking ideas outside of conflicts, so that children don’t merely associate peacemaking with punishment but rather as part of their world view.
More important than teaching words and behaviors, regularly read stories about Jesus. Who was he? Why did he come here? What does this mean to us? You can ask these questions, and even answer them for children if they are non-verbal. (Great Commission’s First Catechism is a good resource for questions.)
Then, when there are fights and we say, “ask your brother/sister to forgive you” we can also say, “because Jesus forgave you of so much“, because the foundation is in place. They will eventually understand the “why” behind forgiveness.
It’s never to young to start teaching children, even when they are non-verbal. Ways to do this include reading to children and practicing habits with them (saying “I’m sorry, will you please forgive me” as well as asking God to forgive them). For example, if a non-verbal child bites another child, the parent may have to be the ones to be saying the words and praying aloud and modeling this. I see this as almost interceding for them. I can hear my barely-verbal two year old copy all of the word inflections for “I’m sorry, will you please forgive me”, even though to anyone else, it wouldn’t make sense what he was saying.
Along with teaching children about Jesus who is their Savior and who forgave them, it’s important to teach children that it’s not just mommy or daddy that say they have to say they are sorry, seek forgiveness and work out conflict. Teaching that it is ‘God that says this, and not just mommy or daddy’ comes from showing them and helping them memorize pertinent scriptures. Make sure to label sin as sin. Use like terminology with scripture – naming the specific sin – to help understand the correlation between what you’re saying and the Bible. “Handbook of Scriptures to Grow On” by Lois Schmitt and Joyce Price is a book that I often use to help to me when trying to find verses on behaviors (good and bad – put off, put on). It’s out of print, but there are many used copies out there on Amazon, Half.com and abebooks.com .
Discipline
I like to remind my children that they have a choice whether or not they will get into trouble. They can choose to obey or they can choose discipline. This has helped my more visual/spacial thinking children who seem have trouble relating sin with discipline – they just think I’m out to get them, whereas my more analytical thinking children who reason better understand right away.
Depending on the situation, we sometimes do “do-overs” – if someone yells something in frustration, I say, “how about you try that again in a kinder way.” (I WANT THAT TOY NOW! vs. “Can I play with that when you’re done?”) I believe that this has helped to teach them that they never have to be afraid to go back and try again – that when they are sinful that they can be reconciled and do not have to flee. They can have a second shot at the relationship.
Praise good behavior! There is much value in doing this. It also helps to establish a relationship with the children beyond a disciplinary one. It helps them to understand how they SHOULD be behaving as a future reference point.
When I discipline my children, I remind them that I do not WANT to discipline them, but that God says I HAVE to – if I do not, then I will be disobeying God and He will hold me accountable. I used to think that the words were more for me until I heard my four year old encouraging my three year old “not to hurt Micah – because mommy doesn’t want to have to discipline you, but she’ll have to anyway because God says she does.” Lo and behold, he got it and immediately stopped hurting the two year old.
The purpose of discipline is restoration. When my children are disciplined, I remind them that they are restored and forgiven. Parents can make the Four Promises of Forgiveness too:
1. “I will not dwell on this incident.”
2. “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.”
3. “I will not talk to others about this incident.”
4. “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.”
Seeking forgiveness /reconciliation
The question was asked (paraphrased) : What should a parent do when one child says they are sorry and are forgiven but then forgiving child don’t want to have anything to do with the offending child – such as a hug or kiss?
Part of teaching children to forgive is to help them go through the outward motions of forgiveness. The Four Promises of Forgiveness could be reviewed at that time, especially as a reminder that we need to guard our hearts against bitterness.
Although we can walk our children through requesting/granting forgiveness, it is impossible to make someone’s heart change. A child’s been hurt by another child – they are afraid they’ll be hurt again. Maybe they are still in physical pain from the bite/punch/kick. This is no different with adults, right? If someone lies about us, it’s hard to tell them our hopes and fears. We are afraid to be hurt again. This doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t do all we can to keep the relationship from being hindered, but there is often a time of heart-healing and growth – both spiritual and relational.
Rather than creating a further discipline issue by forcing them to hug (although you can suggest that it may be a good idea), pray aloud with the children and ask God to strengthen their friendship and work in their hearts to help each other genuinely be reconciled. Sometimes just hearing these words in a prayer will soften little hearts – I know it does mine when someone who has offended me takes time to pray for me! Leave room for the Holy Spirit to work in their hearts, and place your trust in the Lord. We cannot control our children’s hearts. Pray over them throughout the day. Then, the next time they are playing nicely, affirm the relationship by pointing out how much fun they have together and how they love each other no matter what. “Now can you give a hug to your brother/sister?” When they do hurt inevitably hurt each other, remind them of the happy times they have when they are reconciled.